someone owes me an orgasm
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
