I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize