I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
