Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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