What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
