he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
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