I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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