just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
