I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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