who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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