Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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