Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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