I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
