I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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