if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
