Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
