Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Randomize
