Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
