Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
please come you make the beer taste better
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
