I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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