I got chris browned last night
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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