"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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