I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize