i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So gin and wine won't be happening again
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
