John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
