i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
