you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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