I'm jealous of your bromance
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We left the knife in your bed.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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