...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
this just has baby written all over it
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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