worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
