Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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