She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
