getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
