Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
