your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
