jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
