So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize