I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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