I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
