Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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