you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
