Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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