one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize