Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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