made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
