then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
