At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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