just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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