just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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