I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
