The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
