I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize