You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
