You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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