I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
