god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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