You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
