If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
