god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
