about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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