Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
