She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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