I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
