I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
