I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
